Emotional Intelligence and Domestic Violence

The article previously on mental health perspective to domestic violence generated so much feedback that necessitates that some of the key issues raised are contextually interrogated.  Marriage is about the most important ceremony celebrated the world over. The reason most taken adduce in simply that no one is aware of one’s birth date and the day one would die, hence the justification for resource and attention devoted to this ceremony. Marriage is important for the establishment of the family, which is the most basic unit of the society. A relationship guarantees the continuity of the homosapien species.

Beyond companionship, marriage also offers a socialization template for the offspring. It provides an avenue for couples in a synergistic mode to assert themselves independent of their progenitors in building their unique family as a demonstration of maturity and self-actualization. 

As a consequence of globalization of values, modern manages are essentially more challenged than those of the older generations hence the increased incidence of domestic violence, divorce, separation or single parenthood.

Polygamy, which has lingered more in patriarchal African societies and practiced by some religions is gradually disappearing as monogamous marriages take the center stage. This form of marriage however comes with certain challenges for cooperation, commitment and accountability, which could be threatened by many factors such as temperamental incompatibility, disharmony in values and ideological orientations, social class and religious differences, which may be aggravated by undue interference by parents.

The setting of the modern marriage is no longer that of the husband having a dominant, unquestionable role over his wife but that of a combat if necessary, intelligent adjustment is not achieved. The modern wives are gainfully engaged with life and are no longer financially dependent on their men. Expectations are more challenging than they used to be as wives register their protests more vehemently when husbands fail to meet up. Communication channels become obstructed and intimacy suffers which leads to further alienation and estrangement. Spouses employ defense mechanisms to assert independence especially men who feel threatened with fractured egos by the wife. The man may keep his frustration to himself until he has a cardiac arrest or diagnosed of hypertension capable of destroying his kidneys. Some escape into alcoholism that can damage the liver while others may take to addictive drugs as they nurse their bruised egos in a relationship they feel that they have put in their ultimate. For them, sexual escapades are common (if they do not have erectile dysfunction), which may complicate an already threatened marital relationship especially with a child born out of wedlock. The woman in this setting may also suffer from poor self esteem which may snowball into full blown depression: She may also come up with maladaptive coping mechanisms as she escapes into over religiosity where the husband in labeled as being demonic who must be avoided. Sexual intimacy becomes threatened with growing population of sexless but dutiful marriages.

The model of a successful modern marriage is that of a team where the husband is developed to give leadership that must be sacrificial and understanding, just as the wife is expected to respond to the sacrifice by complimenting his efforts. This can only be worked out over time with emphasis on selflessness and compromise.

Relationships cannot be taken for granted by leveraging on parochial, religious and cultural prescriptions as most of us hardly ever perceive the marital relationship in the context of deposit or withdrawal to the emotional bank account of the spouses since we are in a society where our cultural software stifles emotional intelligence. If I make deposits into the emotional back account of my spouse through courtesy, kindness, intelligent sensitivity and honesty, I build a reserve. The trust level rises that I can call on such that the emotional reserve automatically   compensates for. Communication becomes easy, instant and effective, as partners feel very safe with their emotions. However when an individual in the marital  relationship  is in the habit of discourtesy, disrespect, cutting off, overreacting, becoming arbitrary and rude; the emotional bank account becomes over drained and disconnection ensues. This then becomes the breeding ground for domestic violence. It appears our cultural and religious orientations have no practical respect for the concept of emotional bank account, which is fundamental for emotional connectedness as antidote to domestic violence. We may have varied background issues, different temperaments and varied levels of self-development but we can choose to form a synergy where certain sacrosanct principles govern interpersonal behavior. We need to develop skills of listening, communication and cooperation, which are fundamental rudiments of emotional intelligence. Modernity is not about the development of intelligence quotient that makes us successful in our careers but we need the wisdom that emotional intelligence confers.      

Dr. Adeoye Oyewole

adeoyewole2000@yahoo.com

+234 803 490 5808 (WhatsApp Only)

Image: Vital Work Life